Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
i'm sick of taking my pants off and seeing a look of disappointment on the girls face. i want her to be frigthened
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
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