her voice honestly makes me want to vomit. i have springsteen cranked up all the way.
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
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