the condom got lost in my hair
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
No fucking idea. Just paid for my chipotle in chocolate coins, though. Either there is a huge language barrier happening here, or my big boobs are finally paying off.
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
I'm just crazy horny about you
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
I was just thrown into the pool and now I'm surrounded by men... You would think this is the dream but I'm just confused
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
Hey I had a great night last night but I don't want to lie to you I'm only 19 and that wasn't my place its was my cousin he's gone for the summer and I was just house sitting and watching his cat I'm sorry
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
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