I'm really into asian looking animals
Dear __, it'd be a lot easier to fuck if you ever responded. So I'm throwing in the white towel, since I no longer know what you want. Sincerely, ___
how did your night go?
he asked for my myspace name.
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
So you let the Viking explore your nether regions?
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
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