so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
If you fool around, take the WHITE sweatshirt off of her first. It's mine, and I don't like your cum nearly as much as she does.
Freedom, beauty, truth, and love to all. I also probably have syphilis
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
The air was thick with penises
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
Randomize
