How can something that makes you feel so good one day make you feel so bad the next?
Alcohol?
Sex with a fat chick.
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
That was before I lit my hair on fire
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