Just cropdusted the office
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
Randomize
