I realize now. I should have just made out with everyone and anyone when I had the chance.
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
Home. Hour long discussion with mom. Very frightened. Eating a sausage. Don't remember making it. Confused.
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
Randomize
