she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
I am the drunkest girl in the tree.
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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