Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
I mean I like that it's warm enough to open the windows, but it annoys me that I can't walk around naked anymore.
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
Randomize
