I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
question. what would be the least awkward way to ask your one night stand if he came inside of you because you would really prefer not to have his illegitimate lovechild. hypothetically.
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
Just listened to a full Christian rock song, loved it,listened to the dj send a prayer to a 4th grader who was having a tough year and realized I'm high as fuk
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
Just let me suck your dick and be happy. Let me have this.
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
My vagina just clenched in fear
Randomize
