Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
He says it takes a lot to subdue the urge to just bury his face in my vagina. Of course, I have absolutely no problem with this.
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
I just sucked dick on a ferry
he's been 21 for 38 minutes and he's already trying to fist fight this dude over his girl
awwwww babys first drunken mistake
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
Randomize
