Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
when she said she would show you her other bow, she ment she wanted you to bend her over and see the tattoo on her lower back you idiot
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
Yo plow her in the living room were all outside tommy wants to see
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
Randomize
