there is a large number of people floating in the fountains the morning in inter-tubes...its only 930. did i miss something?
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
Randomize
