Should I ask him to prom mid fuck? That way he has to say yes.
Hey kate, how is it?
sloppy...it's emily. kate just tried to do a keg stand. they dropped her. we're leaving.
Saying she let herself go implies she was actually holding on
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
was i strangled at any point last night? or was his dick just that long
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
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