Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
does wine, beer, and vodka mix well??
dude, everything can mix, this is college.
yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
so as we were driving to pick up my grandma from old navy she procedes to yell into our open window.. "I'll make ya holla fo a dolla" umm...
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
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