I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
There are 3 speedbumps now up. Think you can manage the urge to piss on them?
Aw shit! That's like putting me a in a room full of Captiain Crunch Donuts and Jasper Hale and not letting me put my mouth on either.
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
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it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
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Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
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