So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
Sacagawea was the original milf.
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
the trick is not to think about where her tounge has been.
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
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