Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
I don't know if I have the sustained energy level for partying hard
Not a choice. You are mistaking my comments as options. My statements are facts. This is what is happening.
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
Randomize
