so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
Just stay awake and booze cruise it to class. How are you a senior and have never went to class drunk? No excuses, I have a better gpa.
Randomize
