I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
my little brother got his license today.. too early to ask him to DD?
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
she's just been through a whole lot lately. When the crazy starts leaking out we give her vodka and lock her in the room with all the pillows.
so that's what that room is for...
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
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