I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
i am fully taking advantage of taking advantage of him
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
Possibly having a threesome with my ex boyfriend and his current girlfriend was great closure on that subject
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
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