my room smells like sperm. sweet.
i love marijuana more then i could love a human baby.
my text book just quoted the cookie monster
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
Randomize
