Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
I'm allowing myself one mistake a year. He gets to be 2012.
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
Randomize
