this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
38 yer olds are good kisserssss
If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
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there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
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I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
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