I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
You're just horny.
Yea, and? I appreciate you as a person too if that helps.
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
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