Her best guy friend really had a thing for her all along.... Now we're back together and he's gone Dawson's Creek with his away messages.
i slept with her, drove her to her sisters house to babysit, and then drove around the block where i met her sister and had sex with her in my van. I'm family Friendly!
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
How big of a disservice to the economy would we be doing if we didn't drink every day holiday break?
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
are you comparing glasses to pregnancy
Randomize
