If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
She said she couldnt do it today but shed make it up to me next week
stick it in her butt and if she asks, say that thats what you thought she meant
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
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