i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
i was staring at it trying to desperately see a vagina
Also I smoked away my sore throat last night. It's a 420 miracle.
haha she has always seemed a little off. when i met her i was told she was the queen slut. and she had a crown on at the time. it seemed appropriate.
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
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