you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
The sex was so not worth the four dollars it cost to drive over the bridge
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
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whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
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