I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
Let's start a violent farting gang. We can do walkbys.
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
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