Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
But he's not just anonymous male genitalia anymore. I've met him, I've seen his face.
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
Randomize
