hahhahahha. mid doggie-style, i faked an asthma attack. the sex was that bad
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
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