i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
I thought he was joking about the hundred beer challenge until two guys showed up with a camera and boom mic. This cabin party is going to be fucked
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
He ate me out in a golf cart while I watched the sunset. You are so right, golf skirts do provide amazing access.
Randomize
