what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
i did make 45 jello shots and that makes me feel more productive then any paper would
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
Randomize
