I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
Randomize
