im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
Nothing says "I'm a sorority girl" like puking at 830 in the am, wearing my anti-hazing pin, and getting ready for a tea party.
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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