I love black thongs
There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
i think i've said "don't judge me" 10+ times tonight... is that a bad thing?
yes
... don't judge me
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
Now I'll never know if Megan finds a millionaire.
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
No. I just want to cuddle and talk about our feeling. Of course this a booty call.
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Randomize
