I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
We had sex on a ferris wheel in canada, our relationship will never be the same
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
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