Running into every girl no one would hook up with here at rick's. Typical.
i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
Drinking mikes hard & watching the swan princess. i fucking LOVE college
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Just letting you know that while you peed your pants in that guys jeep, The orgasm I had made my hair fall out... Good morning.
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