i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
it's official, i've been high in 26 different states, and three different countries.
Am I allowed to say that I would really enjoy blowing you again? Or does that fall into the "nothing changes between us" catagory?
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
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