home. puking in laundry basket.
its time to go be "that drunk guy nobody knows"....again.
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
