Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
Sorry for trying to force you and Robert to make out. I didn't realize how awkward it was until I woke up today.
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
Most senic walk of shame ever. This is why you go to school in Hawaii.
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
So was this before or after he cried about trump?
After
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
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