Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
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Nope. Can't afford girlfriends. Still looking for the 25 year old bisexual tripled who owns a brewery or a casino.. the search continues....
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
I just look at my butt and see so much potential.
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
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