2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
Two questions: is there going to be a bathroom at this party, and can we fuck in it. This will define whether or not I enjoy going to parties with you.
Randomize
