I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
just prayed to lady gaga in hopes it will help me pass my fashion merchandising final...what is my life?
So about class tomorrow..... i,ll be there. But I may be still a bit drink and wearing a suit. I'll explain when I get there.
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
He keeps bees of course he's weird
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
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