I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
"must pass the hog line" should not only be used in curling. but also when we go out to pick up girls.
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
Guy in our group took down a chick in a wheelchair last night.
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
It's difficult to focus on bonds when you know your classmate peed in your mouth
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