if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
so i was just informed that i sang that song "pop that pussy ayyy pop that pussy" at the halloween party saturday. iembarrassing.
sitting in an airport in detroit. just saw a commercial for detroit tourism with kid rock as a spokesman. reason # 1458 to never visit this city.
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
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