Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
Randomize
