im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
Countdown til Saturday. I'd assume we're somewhere around 10,000 bottles of beer on the wall.
started her walk of shame as my mom and dad walked through my common room door...my dad held the door for her and told her to have a nice day
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
WHY IS EVERY MAN IN THIS CITY GAY? IS IT SO BAD TO WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT BY A REALLY HOT STRAIGHT MAN FOR A NIGHT?
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
By the way, just opened the browser on my phone for the first time today... And it was it the "images" section of "who invented ass fucking"
So thanks for that
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
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