I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
I'm scared
There's nothing to be scared of. My penis is average size.
That's what I'm afraid of
Small penises have feelings too.
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
I know eh? If a man wants to pay 7 bucks to see some boobies he should be allowed to do so in peace.
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
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