I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
I no longer believe that the road to self esteem is through his penis.
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
Randomize
