omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
Just spent the morning washing Bailey's and Guiness out of my clothes -_-
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
so after 3 days of looking i found the keg...looks like somebody tried burying behind the garage
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
Randomize
