i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
so today in my theology class we brought up the proper way to have sex. so rough sex was said by the teacher...I said I know a girl that likes to be choked. sorry but everyone knew it was you
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
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