half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
Her brother is deaf.
no wonder she was so good with her hands
The higher i get, the less gay he looks, and the more i want to make out with him. This is dangerous.
You ad-libbed two DETAILED rounds of price is right, 1 wheel of fortune, and 1 deal or no deal.... by yourself with sound effects and music included
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
Every time I think about it I can feel His toe in my mouth and I gag, I'm scarred for life.
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
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