i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
3pm strippers are depressing
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
He also has scotch. LOTS AND LOTS of scotch. I think you'd like him!
That is always a wonderful personality trait!
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
He's smoked my weed, stolen my cigarettes, and used my campus cash, but I try to initiate sex and NOWWW he's all "As your RA, that's a line I can't cross"
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
Randomize
