tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
Do you think it would be weird to add her on Facebook?
You just commited a felony act together, I honestly think we're beyond this.
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
Randomize
