Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
may or may not have recieved head in the car before we came in.
First straight guy ever blown in a Prius. Congrats.
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
Last thing I remember is whiskey shots. My roommate tells me we were there 15min before I decided to run home naked. And we live across from a police station.
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
Do plants get herpes?
who is this
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