with her its the mind over matter factor, i dont mind and she dont matter
i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
Randomize
