At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
Just saw 30+ dicks. Explain later.
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
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